To Not Want to Fall in Love

Someday I would like to not want to fall in love with a boy so that when I run in the mornings it is for me and God and no one and everyone. I would look over the city and not care when I get too tired to keep running and be okay with “being”. I would like to not be concerned that my calves aren’t chiseled like a Rodin sculpture.

I would wake up in the morning and shower because I like how soft I am when I get out and not because I might meet “him” today. I would like to not worry that having my part one-quarter inch off-center would send “him” running because it makes me too horrid to look at. I would like to not think about being too horrid to look at

I would like to believe that I love to take walks in this city because I love to take walks and not because most of them in the past have been with a boy I love. I love to take walks – I would like to believe it

I would like to be more concerned with what is going on with my brother in his classroom than with what is going on with the guy I saw today and what about when I see him again and is it obvious that I’m into him and…

Someday I would like to not say “I like to be by myself” but rather “I like to dwell with God”. I would like to say that with no apprehension. I would like to say that and be confident I could respond well to whatever the reaction might be. I would like to be okay with not “falling” in love with one person because I’ve fallen in love with a million

Someday

I would like to roll out of bed, put on a loose hoodie, splash water on my face, brush my teeth, put on glasses, pull my hair up, and go to the coffee shop to read the paper without stopping to look in the mirror or even thinking about stopping to look in the mirror. I would like to not think about mirrors.

Someday I would like to be sad, to be okay going out in public still thinking about the kids on the other side of the ocean that I see in my mind every minute and crying when it comes and smiling when I see their smiles. I would like to sit on the curb and cry because I love them.

Someday I would like to be in a conversation with a boy and when we get to laughing uncontrollably about something stupid I said just continue laughing for laughing’s sake and not have my mind struck with lightning bolts of “maybe this could work out” or “are you laughing too loud” or “does laughing wrinkle up your face weird” or “is he really laughing with you or is he laughing at you”. Does it matter? I would like to not censor Divine laughter

Someday I would like the world to stop. Not so I could catch up, but so that I could not fall behind. I would like to not think about time. I would like to do heaven one day – then every day

I would like to be okay with not being “productive” all day. I would lie in bed until my head felt like that lottery ball thingy with heavy ping-pong balls hitting from the inside because I hadn’t had coffee yet. I’d start the coffee, lie on the couch, fill a cup, and go back to the couch contemplating reading a book or the paper but ending up just lying there thinking about nothing and everything

Someday

I would like to go home to visit and have the question “do you have a boyfriend” affect me like a single piece of gravel affects me when I walk barefoot in my parents’ driveway and not like a single piece of gravel affects me when the semi in front of me kicks it up and it cracks my windshield

Someday I would like to feel that He is in love with me and thinks I’m as beautiful as I think everyone else is. I would like to believe that when people look in my eyes they see Him like I see when I look in their eyes. Not so that I would be validated – but maybe that is exactly why – I would like to not need to be validated

Someday, I guess, I would like to not be human. I would like to not act human.

Someday I wish would be today. Someday. Today. Someday. Today. Someday.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s